Chapter One
I'm dying.
I feel my spirit lifting, ascending out of my body;
ready to spread its wings into eternity. There are people
frantically moving around me. I see them, but I cannot respond. I
hear their voices —I hear them saying I've lost a lot of blood. I see the doctors
digging into the back of my body with their sharp instruments,
probing. They say they're searching for the bullet that is killing me. God, I'm losing blood
— losing life. I feel nothing.
That's strange. There's a clock on the wall. Right next
to the calendar. The hands on the clock are moving backward: 5:20...5:19. The
calendar says it's Sunday, June 30th, 1968. Yeah, it's '68 all right. That's when all the
trouble started.
Time—to some it's a blessing, to others a curse.
It looks like my time has run out.
What happened to me? Why am I lying on this operating table, dying? I'm
only seventeen. I'm still a kid. Why am I losing my life? Who shot me? Why? I need to think;
to remember.
Momma! Where are you? There are two buzzards flying over my head;
waiting to pick my bones clean. I'm naked and alone. I need you! I need to be in your womb
again.
Help! A nurse is pushing a long needle into my arm. I hate needles.
They remind me of those horrible polio vaccinations I got when I was a kid. Help! Help!
I'm drowning! I'm sinking into an ocean of light;
falling deeper and deeper. My mother is holding me in her arms. I'm a year old.
We're in church and a man in robes with a cross around his neck is pouring cold water on my
head. I'm being baptized.
In the name of The Father, and of The Son...and of
The Son...and of his son.
I'm
six years old and riding the Bergen Street bus with Mom; headed to my school
downtown. We are sitting and she is looking into my spelling book. "Spell
love," she says.
"L-o-v-e," I answer.
"Good, David. Now spell like."
"L-i — " Damn! Why can't I remember? Who shot
me? Why?
I hear a nurse shout, "His blood pressure's
dropping!"
One of the doctors screams, "He's stopped
breathing!"
Sunny
Sunny! I always loved you. I'll always
love you! Before I die, I need to see your face again I need to
hold you in my arms one last time. Oh, God! I must remember — Imust remember!
Who shot me? Why?
Chapter Two
I am
walking through a dark tunnel; moving neither fast nor slowly. The
tunnel bends and turns and slithers, snakelike. I walk steadily, neither fast nor slowly. At
the edge of the darkness, I see a bright prismatic light. I pass
through, and come upon a tall bridge. On the other side, I can see Brooklyn, the
Albany projects — home!
A voice commands me: Run!
I
obey!
The
closer I got to the projects, the more signs I saw that I was back around
'the way'. A group of young girls were in the "little park" jumping Double-Dutch
and singing out, "…a nickel
and a dime and be on time, and a one, two, three..."
On
the corner, the soulfully magnetic, 'My Baby Loves Me' by Martha And
The Vandellas was jamming from Bobby's Record Shop and a group of kids from Wingate High partied out
in front; dancing the new Hustle and the Afro-Twist.
I
crossed Saint Marks Avenue, and saw lazy-eyed Junebug and his main boy, Booker T., shooting
dice with some other cats next to the Sugar Bowl candy store. Then
right
in front of the "big park", I scoped fast little Pinky Rollins, leaning
into the car window of her building's porter, Mr. Jenkins. Looking down on them from the
seemingly permanent perch of her second-story window, and paying close, gossipy
attention was Mrs. Gumbs —AKA Big Parrot. Ten to one she would have them in the
car kissing by the time she told the story.
As
soon as I reached my building, I smelled the unmistakable, bittersweet aroma of blood.
There was a body, covered by a sheet,
lying on the corner of Bergen and Troy. I was no stranger to death, as a matter of fact, Mom said I was almost dead when I was born — she called it
stillborn. She said if a quick
thinking doctor hadn't breathed into my tiny lungs after I didn't respond to my behind being slapped, I probably wouldn't have made it because I was
already turning blue.
When
I was thirteen, me and my boys were hitching a ride on the back of ,a
bus and one of them, Pooka, got smashed when it got too close to a truck. Another time,
we were on a rooftop on Utica Avenue, building model airplanes, when crazy Gilbert
decided to sniff some of the glue and wound up falling off.
So I
guess you could say me and death had been tight from the beginning.
But
there was something different abouth this one. The crowd that had gathered on the block
was excited and animated. I saw this cat,
Dinky, who lived in the building next to
mine. "What's going on, Dinky?" I asked. "Who got killed?"
"Panama Hector,"
he said. "Got shot about twenty minutes
ago."
Damn,
I thought. Panama Hector was the main numbers man in Bedford-Stuyvesant; all of uptown Brooklyn
really. He was the first guy I ever saw in a mink coat. I
wondered how they had gotten to him because he always had his two
bodyguards,
Flat Top and Baldy sticking to him like a twenty-nine dollar suit from Robert Hall's.
I
lingered around until they put the body in the M.E. wagon, then went
home.
When
I walked into my building, I saw two men in the lobby who reeked detective. Wow, I thought, they
didn't waste any time. The cops, a salt and pepper, Mutt and
Jeff team, were reading names on mailboxes. The White one, tall, redheaded, and
square jawed caught my eye. "C'mere kid."
I
walked over. "Yeah?"
"We're looking for Milton Gibbs. We heard he
lives in this building."
Diamond! I thought.
"Do you know him?" Asked the shorter Black
cop. He was older than his partner, with a thin mustache and a
small, jagged scar on his left cheek.
"Nope. Never heard of him "
"What's your name?"
"Kevin Spencer," I replied, remembering
Diamond said never give 'the man' your real name unless you had to.
The cops looked at me like they knew I was shamming, then turned their
attention to Mr. Thompson, who was stepping out of the elevator. I bet he's gonna say
the same thing. Very few people in the projects trust the po-lice.
I raced up the stairs and banged on the door of
apartment 7H. After checking the peephole, a grey haired, brown-skinned woman,
Diamond's mother, quickly opened it. "Boy, what's wrong with you? Why you knocking
so hard for?"
"Is Diamond home?" I asked, out of breath.
"Yeah. He's in his room."
I ran to the back and found Diamond lying on his bed, watching
television; wearing a pair of green shorts and a Tee shirt. Diamond
stood 6'3", and was rock-solid muscle. He had renamed himself
when he was a skinny, ten year old after growing tired of the fights over his given name,
Milton. He chose the moniker after watching a movie about Diamond Jim Brady, the
old New York tycoon.
His skin was the color of cream soda and his head, resembling a
lion's mane, had an abundance of brown, curly hair. "What's happening, Davey?" His
voice was deep and rich.
I
couldn't get the words out fast enough. "Panama Hector's dead and two bulls are downstairs looking for you!"
Diamond stayed cool, but moved quickly. Like a sleek impala, he sprung
over to his dresser and opened the top drawer. I watched him closely, like I always did;
especially his eyes. "The suckers asked me if I knew you, but
I said, `Hell, no. Never heard of him'."
Diamond yanked out an old, black leather briefcase — he told me once it
was the only thing his father left him — and swiftly unlocked it. He scooped up a bunch of
Baggies; each one full of dark marijuana. "The rollers are
probably gonna try to pin it on me,"
he said, pulling out a dark, metallic object partially covered
by his huge hand. "I'm gonna flush down this reefer, but I need you to hold onto this
"
I froze as he showed me a silver pistol.
"Here, man!" Diamond said. "Take
it."
I
forced my right arm to extend and grab the gun. "That's a thirty-eight Smith And Wesson,
Davey — and it's loaded."
I stared at the weapon as I held it in my hand, feeling
a sudden frenetic combination of power, terror, and invincibility.
"Stick it in your closet," he said. "Or
under your mattress."
"For how long?"
"Until this blows over!"
Diamond darted into the bathroom and I heard a series of
long flushes. When he returned, I was still staring at the gun. "Put
that away and get outta here," he ordered. "And be careful. That
rod could put a big hole in a little nigger!"
Against my better judgement, I agreed. Although the last
thing
I wanted was trouble with Tank, because it was my ace boy Diamond, I
agreed to sneak the gun into my house. "But only for a few
days," I told him, still feeling shaky about the whole thing.
"If my Pops found this piece on me, he'd flip."
I stuck the thirty-eight in my belt and put my shirt
over it. Before leaving the room, I turned back to Diamond, who was
getting dressed. "Good luck, partner." We both knew it was only a matter
of time before somebody cracked and gave him up.
"You going already?" Diamond's mother asked as
I hurried past her.
"Yeah, I gotta run." I self-consciously put my
arm over the gun, then looked over at the couch and saw their
next-door neighbor, Pamela Butler, for the first time, sitting with this wide grin on
her face.
"Can't speak, Davey?" She asked.
I nodded. "Hey, Pam "
"Pamela just found out she's gonna have a
baby," Mrs. Gibbs said, turning to the younger girl. "When are you
due?"
"On my twentieth birthday, May first. Darnell said
he's gonna try to get leave so he can be here for the birth." She
laughed. "All I do all day, now is sing 'Baby Love' over and over. I can't
seem to get that song outta my head...I'm so excited."
Mrs.
Gibbs nodded. "I felt the same way when I carried Milton."
Then she asked, "Is Darnell still in Vietnam?" "Yeah. His
tour won't be up until next July."
I opened the front door, then said,
"Congratulations, Pam. I'll see ya'll later."
I walked down to my apartment on the third floor, a careful step at a
time; afraid the gun might suddenly fire and castrate me. Then, I supposed, they would start
calling me Daisy instead of Davey. I tried to laugh, but thought
better of it. It really wasn't funny
When I opened the stairway door, I was once again amazed how you
could tell the nationality of a family by the smell of food coming from their apartment. Out of
3J came curry goat from the McClains, from 3C came bacalao from the Maldonados,
and out of 3F, I smelled black-eyed peas from the Sweetings. The ten apartments on my
floor were so cramped together, it was like we all lived in the same
house —just in different rooms. I guess you could say there
wasn't too much "apart" in our project's apartments.
But living that close together had its good points, too.
Our
nine buildings were fourteen stories high, and exuded a fortress-like
appearance. Everybody in the projects looked out for each other, and if a little kid fell and
cried for his mother, at least five women would run over to comfort
him. And if your mom needed a cup of sugar, all she had to do was knock on the
door of her neighbor.
But if one of the mothers in the building saw anybody
else's kid do something bad, she'd smack him on the head and tell his mother.
Then he'd get another smack on the head when he got home.
And fathers were around; going to work everyday, and taking care of
their families. Many of them donated their time and were coaches in Little League, or
leaders in the Boy Scouts. A lot of men were not only fathers, they were dads, too.
Yeah, living in the projects in the sixties was like
living in a tight-knit community; like a real village.
Smelling all that food made me hungry. I wondered what
my Moms had cooked as I entered my apartment, 3G; a small two bedroom, cut-out
box — standard projects issue.
The first thing I saw was my 'never-a-dad' father, Tank,
bare-chested, and sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. I looked
up at the calendar, frayed and yellowed with cooking grease and ebbing time. It
said Monday, September 18th, 1967.
It didn't take me long to find out what kind of mood
Tank was in. I once heard Peg Leg Mrs. Cromartie say a long time ago that a
boy's first rival is his father.
"It's almost seven-thirty," Tank snarled.
"Where've you been?"
"At The Center, Dad. There was a basketball
game." I started for my room.
"Wait a minute!"
Oh, man! I thought. What do you want now? My left arm hung tight over
the thirty-eight. I wondered if it was giving me away.
"Number one, I want you home at dinner time We're a
family and a family eats dinner together." Tank's black-blue skin
glistened like a coat of glossy paint on his body. "Number two, I don't
want you running the streets while this school strike is on. If the schools stay closed, I'll
find things for you to
do."
I felt the cold gun press
up against my hot skin. "Tomorrow,"
my father continued. "I want you to wash all the windows and mop the floors."
"Okay."
"What do you mean, okay?" Tank said, moving
toward me; hand raised. He was shorter than me, but he was bullnecked and
weighed two hundred and fifty pounds. Even my mother called him Tank. "Answer me right,
boy!"
God, I never understood Tank Lee. To me, he acted like he always
thought my mother cheated on him while he was in The Marines, and I really
wasn't his son. And he would sadistically spend the rest of his life never letting me
forget it. "Yes, Dad," I answered meekly.
"Why can't you be more like Diego?" He said.
"I bet he's always home on time."
I shook my head sadly and walked into the living room, seeing my mother,
Delia, and two younger sisters intently watching television. "Mira, David," Mom
said, pointing to the screen. "The teacher's strike is all over the
news."
I nodded with little interest. "What's for dinner,
Ma?"
"Liver."
I scowled, then walked into my bedroom —well not just mine because I
had to share it with my sisters — shut the door, then removed the gun from my
belt. I looked it over carefully. Wow, a real gun — right in the palm of my hand.
Ever since I played cops-and-robbers when I was a little
kid,
I had always dreamt about having a gun. Now, here it was; the power of
life and death.
I gripped the trigger with my index finger and pointed
it; pretending to be James Bond. "Bang!" I whispered. "Eat lead,
Goldfinger." Then I put the nozzle up to my lips and blew away the
imaginary smoke.
"Ha, ha!" I laughed. "I could kill Tank
right now if I wanted to." I shook my head, thinking: He's always
saying I ain't good enough...and I should be like this boy or
that boy...why can't I just be like who I am?
I threw the gun up in the air and caught it with my
right hand.
"Yeah, boy...I could shoot my father right
now!"
I laughed again and twirled the gun around like a cowboy.
Man, I really wanted to shoot it — just to see how it
would feel. Hey! What about Russian Roulette? That might be fun. How do you do
that again? You take out all the bullets and leave only...what? What am I saying? Am I crazy? I
could get killed!
I realized someone could walk in and catch me, so I bent
down
and slipped it under my mattress. Then I turned on my small, back and
white television, finding the strike report on Channel Nine.
Albert Shanker, the president of the New York City Teacher's Union,
was giving an interview. He explained that the Public School teachers needed
higher salaries and were prepared for a long strike. He added that even though schools were
staffed with skeleton crews, consisting of supervisors and
volunteers, he still advised parents to keep their children home
because of the threat of violence.
Then the news anchor appeared. "In another story, North
Vietnamese
soldiers executed —"
"Later for that," I whispered. The daily dose
of dismal Vietnam television coverage bored me. I hoped the war would be over by
the time I got my draft card. Wasn't no way I was going to Vietnam.
I clicked off the T.V. and fell on my bed, thinking
about Cookie Jardine. It had been three weeks since we broke up and she still
hadn't called. I guess it was really over. Although I was hoping
against hope that it wasn't. I knew I still had feelings for her.
My mind u-turned to Diamond's thirty-eight, wondering if
it could go off by accident. Maybe I should've taken the bullets out. I
reached under the mattress, then changed my mind; pulling my arm back. Nah, it'll be okay.
I stretched out on my single bed, beaming with
satisfaction over the favor I did for Diamond. Man, I'd do almost anything for
him. He was my hero.
You see, when you're a male child growing up in the
Bedford-Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn, you have to be `Iceberg Slim'
at all times, because a long line of legendary bonafied players had already set the table. The
good guys —the doctors, lawyers and cops — received little
attention from the boys on the Avenue. But the pimps, hustlers and
numbers men were shamelessly glorified. They were the gods of
the projects. The big cars, fine women and flashy clothes — that's what we noticed.
That's what we looked up to and wanted because it was closer and more personal. We could
see it; feel it — taste it.
And of all the players around the way, Diamond Gibbs was the coolest
and the baddest.
Everybody knew Diamond sold reefer and ran numbers, and it was
whispered that he was real tight with one of the Brooklyn
Families. That explained how, at twenty-two years old, he had such
a lucrative hustle, and never walked around with a bodyguard. The legend of Diamond from the
Albany projects was known throughout Brooklyn, and just about
all of New York City. His giant rep went way back to the zip gun and switchblade
days.
Diamond and I were real tight, sort of the big and
little brothers we never had. It began when I was trying out
for the Youth Service League baseball team in '63. Diamond, an all-star pitcher,
took me out to the park everyday and helped me improve my game. He did something my father
never did. He gave me confidence.
I quickly excelled, and going into my junior year of
high school, my name was frequently in the newspapers, noting that I was one of
the best Junior Varsity prospects in the Tri-State area.
Man, I thought Diamond was so smooth, and I emulated him every chance
I could. After a while, I started walking and talking like him, and had all of his mannerisms
down pat. I even started smoking, just so I could hold my cigarette
as cool as he did.
And I listened to his gospel carefully when he preached about the
streets. I remembered he always said: "Davey, there are two
kinds of people in this world, The Players and The Played —The Predators and
The Prey. Always be The Hunter and never The Game."
Then he would school me on the ladies. He would tell me:
"Remember, Davey, every woman has a price — every single one. With
some, the price is as high as the sky, and with others, it's as little as your smile. Always
remember that!"
He told me early on that Cookie was too fast for me, and
I
would eventually blow her. "Probably to a guy like me," he said, chuckling.
At the time, I didn't find it funny, and was irritated
by his candor. But it didn't take me long to realize he was
right. I guess I was a little intimidated by Cookie's beauty and
self-assurance. I always felt I had to be someone other than who I was around
her.
That night in August, when we were alone in her house and tongue
kissing harder and harder, I could tell she wanted me to do it to her. I
could feel the heat all through her body. But I had to be home by nine o'clock or Tank
would've put his foot in my ass. So I left her hanging.
Cookie's fiery passion rapidly turned into bland indifference, and that
was definitely the turning point in our relationship. I couldn't tell
her I was a virgin, and had no idea what to
do.
"But that's okay," Diamond assured me.
"No rhythm, no blues. It's better to get hurt now, than later.
Remember, women see things that men don't. Men see trees, but
women see the branches and the leaves. Let Cookie be a good lesson by making sure
she's the only babe that ever burns you. Let the rest love you more than you
love them."
Yeah. That's how it's gonna be with my next girlfriend,
I decided before pulling off my clothes. I'm gonna make her love me — more.
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